Ugh

Remember, you’re not as ugly as you think. You’re uglier. But don’t worry, it can still get worse.

Cure

"I’m an optimist", he said, smiling.
I pushed him from the 52nd floor balcony of that magnificent New York hotel.
I think I cured him.

Attached

…and then the line broke, and I’m still falling.

Old habits

Die hard. Really. If they die at all…

Life lesson #887

You know what you are if you go to a lot of bars? A person who goes to a lot of bars.
Do you know what you are if you go to a lot of bars and don’t shut up about it? A douchebag.

I made myself into an internet meme. I think this about justifies my existence.

I made myself into an internet meme. I think this about justifies my existence.

1 note

Subtle ways to insult your friends

"Wow, your parents looked really great. What happened?"

Obvious, isn’t it?

Never underestimate anyone. Really, don’t.

1 note

Yes

Altercations are like wet horses: the plutonium remains indelible.

Yeah, you fit

The longer I live, the more I realize stereotypes and prejudices exist for very specific reasons.