If an army of well trained, ruthless soldiers is advancing on you, don’t sit around discussing how cool their weapons are and how shiny their shields look.
People have always taken selfies.
Remember, you’re not as ugly as you think. You’re uglier. But don’t worry, it can still get worse.
"I’m an optimist", he said, smiling.
I pushed him from the 52nd floor balcony of that magnificent New York hotel.
I think I cured him.
…and then the line broke, and I’m still falling.
Die hard. Really. If they die at all…
You know what you are if you go to a lot of bars? A person who goes to a lot of bars.
Do you know what you are if you go to a lot of bars and don’t shut up about it? A douchebag.
I made myself into an internet meme. I think this about justifies my existence.
"Wow, your parents looked really great. What happened?"